24 Days, the end.

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24, 24 parody, Brighton regency history, jane Austen, Jane austen parody, regency parody, Regency period, short stories

My dearest sister, I was all anxious concern as I followed Woodville’s cries to the stable block.
I was able to enter the coach house unnoticed, but the corridor leading to my incarcerated husband was blocked by a fiercely inebriated churl. Fortunately due to his intoxication he required only a blow to the knees to render him incapacitated. I took his weapon and proceeded to a door, I threw it open and stood upon the threshold. Monsieur Canard paced before my husband still reading in a manner so devoid of feeling that it rendered it insufferable. Poor Woodville’s spirit seemed almost broken.
“Pray I beg of you, not another lecture upon man’s moral obligation!” He muttered, then seeing my visage. “Maria!”
Monsieur Canard showed the reflexes of a man of superior intelligence, he drew his pistol and held it to Woodville’s head.
“Lady Maria, allow me to inform you that if you should fire at me, I will dispatch your husband before the led from your gun ever reaches me!” Monsieur Canard was all malicious pleasure.
I looked intently at Woodville, in an attempt to communicate that he must duck when I pulled the trigger. I took but an instant to compose my nerves, for I was acutely aware that any fluttering could prove to be our downfall and fired my weapon, hoping most ardently that a complete understanding existed betwixt Woodville and I, and that my aim was accurate.
The sound of Monsieur Canard expiring upon the floor reassured me of the latter.
I hastily unbound Woodville’s arms whilst explaining the seemingly insurmountable peril we now found ourselves in!
“How many of Harris’ men have you seen?” He enquired, taking Monsieur Canard’s musket and sword.
“I have counted one and twenty,” I replied “six within the coach house alone, the rest paroling like overzealous game keepers.”
“We are outnumbered then.” Said Woodville.
“Indeed.” I agreed.
“Together.” Said Woodville as we braced ourselves behind the door quite ready to fight our way out.
“Together!” I agreed, opening the afore mentioned door.
We escaped the coach house with very little resistance I was able to draw the men’s attention by feigning a nervous fever thus allowing Woodville to dispatch them most efficaciously. However whence we reached the courtyard we were nigh on overwhelmed.
“We must try to outflank them, there is no other way.” Said I “Pray, lay down as many bullets as possible to draw their fire. I shall advance from the left to show my figure off to its best advantage!”
I was all eager determination as I ran forwards, Woodville firing abundantly from behind a hay stack. The commencement of hostilities continued in a frenzied manner until half a dozen of Harris’ men had perished.
“Damnation to it all!” Cried Woodville in agitation. “Their numbers are too large and there is as yet no word from our footmen! If we remain here we are like to be as easy a target as a flightless bird!”
Woodville was right and I doubted if any of them would honour the rules of engagement even if we were to challenge them to a duel.
However before my husband could utter another word I saw something that caused me great vexation. Mr. Harris, now wearing a coat of some elegance, was running back towards the coach house. I was suddenly in the grip of reckless passions, for I ran after him with no consideration for the consequences.
“Maria, come hither ! You should shall get yourself killed!” Was Woodville’s entreaty.
“Mr. Harris is fleeing, I cannot allow the son of a churl to escape!” I cried pursuing him.
“Maria, I am not inclined to care, this is sheer folly!” Said my husband.
I would not hear reason, for Mr. Harris had noticed my pursuing him and had thrown me a smile of such repulsive, conceited vulgarity that I was too incensed to notice his casting aside a lighted stick. Woodville seized my arm.
“Maria Nay!” He shouted “Take heed, Mr. Harris has set fire to that wick, soon the barrels of gun powder shall fall prey to the flame. The resulting blow shall have strength enough to bring the entire coach house down upon us!”
We retreated as fast as we could but there was a sudden flash of light from behind us.
“The barrels, make haste Maria, throw yourself upon the ground!” Said Woodville pulling me to the ground with no pretence at propriety, just as the gunpowder in the parlour exploded and the building fell all about us in a fashion that I have not the literary accomplishment to describe.
It was above a dozen minutes before either Woodville or myself were capable of speech!
“Maria are you tolerably well?” Enquired Woodville.
“Indeed, I am quite unscathed.” I said finding myself to be so.
It was with some confusion that I saw a light approaching.
“Lord Woodville sir? Lady Maria? It is I Mr. Hand, Foot sent us hither.. Pray are you alright?” Hand stood above us holding a candelabra. “ We have captured Mr. Harris, he was wounded but I believe he shall live.”
Woodville handed me to my feet and enquired, “And Foot, is he well?”
“Indeed sir,” replied Hand “he and Miss Winifred are travelling to Gretna Green this moment, they are both in joyous spirits. If you would care to follow me Sir, I have laid tea in the palace.”

My dear sister, I cannot recall tasting a better cup of my preferred refreshment as much as the one I enjoyed then with my dear husband upon that occasion. I would be obliged if you were to indulge such observations, the drawing room in which we sat had both a favorable view of the promenade at Brighton, as well as an exactly adequate amount of gilt so as to reflect the sun.
We intend to remain in Brighton for a fortnight, I believe the sea bathingshall be most restorative to us both.

Yours in a state of exhausted relief,
Lady Maria Woodville.

Post Script: Pray do not allow Henrietta to read to many novels while she is under your care, for she seems to have acquired a taste for the sinister.

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24 Days (letter eight continued)

Tags

24, 24 parody, jane Austen, Jane austen parody, regency parody, Regency period

My dear Catherine, the very instant that I lay my eyes upon Foot I cried “Foot, your arrival here is the very essence of perfection, for I was quite ready to despair!” I turned to Miss Winifred and enquired if she had enjoyed the ball.
“Indeed,” Said she with feeling, “it was a splendid affair. I have been in raptures this entire evening! My dance card was quite full. I danced the first two with Foot …”
“Ladies please!” Interrupted Foot. “We are not at liberty to converse at leisure, no matter how pleasant a topic we have before us.” He exclaimed.
I realised that he was quite correct and focused myself once more upon the difficulties at hand.
“Miss Winifred, my sister is in that parlour and has been exposed to a novel of questionable taste. She will be in some distress. Pray tend to her” I said regaining command of my senses, “Foot, my poor dear Woodville was taken to the blue room where the French scoundrel is reading him a sermon of considerable length, you will need to save him.” I continued in a tone I believed would be suited to a captain of the Militia. I have oft wondered if I would look well in a regimental coat and breeches. I had concluded that the red hue would not be beneficial to my complexion, before a thought occurred to me. Sister I realised that if justice were to be done I would need some method of irrefutably proving Mr. Harris’ culpability and the Prince’s innocence. Relying upon my ability to be a sound judge of character and countenance I went to Mr. Harris’ desk and prized open a drawer.
My judgement was indeed shrewd, for there lay a heavy leather bound volume with the initials W.R.D.T.G..J.J.H. (He has an abundance of middle names that I always found most disagreeable). Like all men who have acquired a taste for villainous conduct Mr. Harris indulged in the folly of keeping a journal so that he might, at his leisure, recollect his moments of brilliance! I took up the volume and glanced amongst the pages. It made for sensational reading, for he was in possession of a descriptive flair and an ability to speak plainly.

“Lady Woodville,” Miss Winifred had returned with Henrietta. “I have your sister, she is well I believe.”
I looked upon Henrietta and saw no cause for alarm, for other that an apparent neglect of her toilette, she seemed unaltered. Her bloom had not faded.
“Henrietta, my dearest sister! These few weeks have been a torment …” My sentiments and our embrace was interrupted by Foot.
“Lady Woodville, the door is secured I cannot open it.” Said he.
Remembering the sword still concealed beneath my skirts, I assisted Foot in forcing the door open. However to my dismay the Blue Room was empty! Standing open across the room was a pair of lacquered folding panels influenced by the oriental style, unpatriotic as this was it created an altogether pleasing effect.

“We must pursue the peasant vagabonds who have taken him!” Said Foot. “Lady Woodville, I have brought you a pistol. However I feel that to avoid detection we should use our swords to dispatch the enemy silently.” He handed me the pistol but I kept my sword drawn before me.
We moved silently, Foot and I leading our party with Henrietta and Miss Winifred behind. The great palace seemed entirely devoid of occupants.
“Where can they be?” Enquired Miss Winifred.
“They have most likely taken him to the stables, for that is the custom with such things.” Replied Foot.
“Why Foot, I rather wonder at your knowing so much about such things.” I said as I quietly ran another of Harris’ liveried servants through with my blade.
“Madam I have read a great many novels, I find them to be an excellent source of fact.” Answered he. Upon Foot’s utterance of the word novel I thought my poor sister should faint, however her constitution seemed robust enough.

It was not long before we had left the gilt interior of the Pavillion and were crossing the gardens. We had stopped to admire a shrubbery populated with the most gloriously scented flowers, when we heard a shriek of agony that was discernable as Lord Woodville’s. It did in fact come from the stables. I nearly to succumbed to girlish folly, and was utterly fixed upon running directly to him when Foot called me back.
“Lady Woodville. There are a number of men guarding the stable block. We must employ the utmost caution and decorum when approaching them.” Whispered Foot.
I followed Foot’s lead until we were well concealed deep in the ornamental rose garden which provided both an excellent view of the stables, as well as a pleasing sea breeze, the benefit of which to one‘s health was instantly apparent.
“Pray, Lady Maria, remain here with Henrietta and Miss Winifred, I do not believe their constitutions could support such a battle as may ensue. I shall advance alone.” Said Foot, he checked his weapon and departed.
Henrietta it would seem had not the fortitude of spirit to remain calm and was beginning to become hysterical. I have never been of an indulgent nature in matters of hysteria and thus I struck her heartily to prevent her alerting anyone to our presence. Before I could strike her again however, Miss Winifred uttered a terrified gasp.
“Nay he is going to kill Foot!” She said, allowing the warmth of her affection to become so apparent, I fear only matrimony could render it respectable. Upon her words I turned from my sister and saw a man of quite unaccountable proportions advancing upon Foot with a long blade, he struck Foot violently in the shoulder and poor Foot fell to the ground. Foot was not only an excellent footman but an accomplished darner, such a bond deserves the fiercest loyalty. The man raised his blade to finish Foot, but I was ready for him, I fired my own gun and dispatched the worthless fiend.
“Miss Winifred, make all haste we must save Foot.” I gathered my skirts and my weapon to me and ran as fast as propriety would permit. Whence we had reached him I took my sash from my gown and bound the wound.
“The blade has passed straight through, you are not mortally wounded but you cannot remain here. My weapon will have alerted all to our presence. Peril shall be upon us by and by.” I said handing him to his feet.
“Madam we must leave this instant” he said.
“Nay Foot that is an impossibility, I cannot leave my husband here to a fate that would certainly include an inconceivable amount of pain! I am decided. You must leave at once, take my sister and Miss Winifred and flee, whence you are safe send our footmen to aid my escape.” I then pressed Mr. Harris’ journal into his hands. “This journal contains a full account of all that has passed. It is of the utmost importance that the scandalous falsehoods that have been spread by Mr. Harris do not take root in society.”
Foot seemed inclined to debate the matter further, so I continued. “Foot, if you disobey me I shall dismiss from our service. Now give me your word that you will do as I ask!”
He did as I bid and left with Henrietta and Miss Winifred. I was left quite alone, but I found I had no opportunity to reflect upon my solitude in a melancholy manner, for my poor dear Woodville had issued another cry of agony! Dear Catherine I knew what I must do, I gathered and composed myself, tightened my grip upon my weapons and advanced!

24 Days (Part Eight)

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24, 24 parody, jane Austen, Jane austen parody

My dearest Catherine,
I must first beg your forgiveness for my abundant use of exclamation marks in this correspondence, however there is no punctuation as well calculated to convey the nature of what has passed!

Following the odious Captain Whitley-Smith’s confession at the ball, Woodville and I determined to make all haste in departing to the coaching inn to rescue our poor Henrietta, who must by now be in desperate need of a new gown. Fashions have changed so since she was taken, Sister, I believe her to still be wearing green silk!
We unbound the Captain, and were progressing as silently as our costumes would allow along one of the assembly hall’s darkened empty corridors. Despite the knowledge that we would by and by be throwing ourselves once more into the face of grave danger, I could not help but notice how well my husband looked in his blue coat. However I had not yet composed myself, when we heard footsteps approaching.
“Those are not our footmen.” Said Woodville. “That is the sound of an ill fitting, inexpensive boot.”
Before we could conceal ourselves amongst the shadows twelve men all carrying muskets descended upon us!
Woodville seized Captain Whitley-Smith holding him before his person as though he were a shield, and prepared to fire at the men.
“Lower your pistols!” the largest man spoke with an intolerable French accent. “Pray place your weapons upon the floor!”
As no agreeable alternative presented itself I conceded in ill humour. Woodville however did not surrender at once. To my utter shock the Frenchman then proceeded to show an absolute want of decency and disregard for propriety, seizing me from behind and holding his weapon to my temple, thus disarranging my curls in a most infuriating manner!
“Unhand me, you vile creature! How dare you treat me thus!” I cried, truly grieved by the situation.
“Lord Woodville, if you do not relinquish Captain Whitley-Smith and your weapon it is your wife that shall suffer!” The Frenchman spoke again.
“You son of a churl!” Said Woodville in deepest vexation, he dropped his pistol to the ground with great reluctance and lessened his hold on Captain Tobias Whitley-Smith.
The Captain instantly took command.
“Monsieur Canard,” Said he to the Frenchman “It would seem that Lord and Lady Woodville have discovered a little more about our affairs than I find altogether pleasing. I think it would be prudent to extend our hospitality to them, thus preventing them from throwing our next scheme into jeopardy. I doubt that his footman will feel their absence too severely. I believe he is engaged at present in dancing with a Miss Winifred, who it would appear, is in possession of all the amiable qualities so often associated with ladies of consequence.”
Denouncing him as a liar was an impossibility, for Miss Winifred was a most charming young woman, but I was overwhelmed by a desire to strike his unfortunate visage! A delight denied to me as the despicable Monsieur Canard had bound our hands behind our backs. We were taken to an awaiting carriage where a dark hood was thrown over my head, which I am certain was most unbecoming to my figure.
The carriage departed and travelled in all swiftness across the town of Brighton. My spirits were in an acute state of despair and vexation. However it was possible to overhear some of the private interview passing between Monsieur Canard and the Captain.
“I lately received a letter from our master, he wishes us to bring Lady Maria and her husband to directly to him.” Said Monsieur Canard, his French accent causing me great agitation.
“What is the haste in the matter?” Enquired the Captain.
“Her marriage has severely vexed Mr. William Harris, and he is eager that all should be accomplished before the opening of the London season.” Upon the Frenchman’s words a chill of some magnitude settled about me.
“Maria, the quality of your silence indicates that something in what has just passed has caused you distress. Pray what is the matter my dear?” Asked my husband from beneath his hood.
“My dearest Woodville, it is that name William Harris that troubles me deeply. I am afraid that it renders the events of the past few weeks much clearer. Forsooth! How could I have been so foolish!” I said with some emotion.
“Maria of what do you speak?” Asked he.
“I am acquainted with Mr Harris, sadly better acquainted than is agreeable to me. When I was but fifteen years old he asked for my hand in marriage. I refused him, indeed I spurned his attentions with spirit, for how could any woman feel the least enamoured to a man with such a partiality for wearing mauve! I confess, however, that my conduct was lacking in all that could be considered genteel. He was pride itself and it would seem that he did not overcome my refusal in a rational manner.” Said I.
“Does he mean to kill you?” Woodville whispered.
“Worse,” I replied “he means to ruin me!”
Before Lord Woodville could respond the carriage turned sharply to the left, then to the right and to the left once more, then came to an abrupt halt. We were taken indoors once more, I could discern little more from the carpet underfoot than that we were in an establishment of some superiority. Yet I as unprepared for the surprise that awaited me whence my hood was removed. My husband and I had been brought to a room that could only be situated in the Prince’s newly built “Pavillion”! The lavish furnishings and expense of the window dressings, it must be said dear sister, do reflect the Prince’s inclination toward opulent vulgarity.
“Monsieur Canard, you know what you are about, take Lord Woodville to the Blue Room and begin.” Said a voice I instantly knew to be that of Mr Harris!
The Frenchman obliged and took poor Woodville from the parlour.
“Mr Harris, pray what is the purpose of such …” I began but was interrupted by Mr. Harris with an unforgivable lack of civility.
“Lady Maria, I was a respectable man, until you tormented me with your refusal. But that is of little consequence now, for I am resolved upon dreadful revenge!” He spoke calmly, caressing his abundant mustachios, which were in a fashion more suited to a Spaniard “I had hoped to merely convince you to elope with me, however your recent marriage put paid to such a notion, I have had to alter my scheme. Maria here is what you shall do, you will compose a letter, a plea for help, in which you shall say that the prince is the one responsible for the capture of both you and your sister. The letter shall be dispatched and it shall lead to the ruin of your family’s reputation in society and that of the Prince!”
“What grudge could you possible bear against the Prince, Mr. Harris?” I asked staring at the oriental rug, I had been forced to avert my eyes as his complexion was a most inexplicable purple.
“I have been in France of late and they have the most original ideas about the Monarchy, confess, I found such opinions very refreshing … Then whence you are spurned by everyone of your acquaintance you will elope with me to France!” Concluded he.
“Sir you must know that I would sooner expire this instant than agree to such a plot!” I cried in defiance.
“I am aware of it, but you see Maria it is not you who will perish, it is your husband.” As the wretched fiend spoke he opened a door that revealed Woodville in utter anguish, for Monsieur Canard stood before him reading Fordyce’s sermon’s! Then Mr. Harris displayed a pleasing lightness of foot as he danced across the room to another door behind which sat Henrietta! Our poor dear sister, who’s un-coiffed hair reflected her piteous state of affliction. I had no opportunity to call out to her before he had closed the door!
“Your sister has been reading Udolpho, I believe she has perused it seven times now. You know as well as I the affect of such a novel upon the fragile sensibilities of a young woman! Allow me to be quite candid with you Maria, the only way to secure the lives of both Henrietta and your husband is to concede.” At these words he left the room and a footman brought some light refreshment.

I took three turns about the room and followed these with five glasses of the fortified wine and I could still see no possible escape from this dilemma, for it was not merely my own reputation that lay in the balance but that of the Prince! I was quite settled upon surrendering myself into an apoplexy of nervous fever whence the parlour door was opened by none other than Foot. I have never been so glad to be in the society of a servant! Foot was accompanied by Miss Winifred, who’s eyes had been brightened by the excitement of the evening.
“Lady Woodville,” Said he “the maids upon the roof fell prey to the hysterics, we knew you had been taken. We have come to rescue you!”

To Be Contined …